Principles of Parenting

Giving a time-out can be a very effective way to change your child’s behavior. I have often had parents come to my office and say “time-out does not work with my child”. After asking some clarifying questions it usually becomes clear that there is a break down in the implementation or follow through of the time-out. It’s not that time-out doesn’t work, it’s more that the parents aren’t working the time-out properly. I found a great link on using effective time-out to correct misbehavior. http://www.parenting.org/precious/p_current.asp

It is important to practice using time-out without anger. Discipline never needs to be done with anger or a raised voice. Discipline should never be personalized to the child. Making remarks like “what is wrong with you” or “can’t you just behave?” have an effect on the way kids feel about themselves, lowering self-esteem. The focus should always be on the behavior, not the person. A better statement would be, “your behavior right now is unacceptable.” This sends a message to the child that she is o.k. but her behavior is not. Remember, consistency and follow through are the keys to making discipline work.

1. United Front

Being a united front means that parents communicate with each other and make parenting decisions together. It is natural for parents to have different parenting styles from each other which may cause disagreements over how to parent. When there is no consensus, parenting becomes ineffective. Each parent ends up doing what they think is right and they end up undermining each other’s efforts.

Kids know which of their parents is more likely to cave in, not give consequences, or not follow through. Kids will often take advantage of this. This sets up a “good guy”, “bad guy” situation where one parent is liked and the other disliked. Children know when their parents aren’t communicating with each other about how to parent and they take advantage of this to get what they want. The only way to avoid this is for parents to communicate and work through their parenting differences so they can both enforce the rules at home.

A family I have been working with had a beautiful example of how having a united front makes life easier. Mom and son were at home having a conversation where the son asked for some money to attend an upcoming rock concert with his friends. The son added “dad said it was ok.” Mom told the son she would discuss it with dad when he got home from work. It turned out that the son had lied and dad had never given permission for him to attend the concert. Mom and dad confronted their son together and issued the appropriate consequences.

2. Consistency

Consistency is doing the same thing every time so that kids know what to expect. I know a family where sometimes the kids get grounded for not doing their chores and other times there are no consequences for not doing their chores. Do you think the kids do their chores on a consistent basis? No way. Like most kids they try to see if they can get away with not having to work. The parents are so busy or tired, or non-caring that the kids can usually get away with it. Inevitably, there is a huge fight once a month where the parents yell at the kids for not doing their chores and then the next day everything goes back to normal. The parents could remedy this by simply being consistent. If the rule is you have to do chores, then there is a consequence that follows every time chores aren’t done. In my experience a lack of consistency is the most common mistake parents make.

3. Follow Through

Follow through is doing what you say you will do. I know a parent who grounded her daughter for breaking curfew. The next day the daughter begged her mom to allow her to attend a special event at a friend’s house. After making promises and committing to never break curfew again, the mom let her daughter go to the event. What message did this send to the daughter? I think it was “you don’t have to believe anything I say because I will go back on my word, and you are welcome to do whatever you wish because I will not enforce the rules.” If mom gives in this time, what will happen next time? Do you think the daughter is going to take her mom seriously the next time consequences are handed out?

If a consequence is given, it must be followed through with every time. There is no getting out of it early. There is no time off for good behavior. Anything less makes the parent dishonest and robs the child of the important lessons she needs to learn.

It’s easy to talk about being consistent, having a united front, and following through. But the truth is that mastering these principles takes patience, time, and hard work. These are parenting principles that will not be mastered easily. However, the payoff is great. As these principles are mastered, parenting becomes easier and the battles and arguments diminish. The hard work up front pays great dividends down the road resulting in healthier, happier children.

I was in the supermarket yesterday purchasing a quart of my favorite ice cream. I was standing in line at the checkout behind a woman with 2 small children. The older child, who looked to be about 3, was collecting his favorite candy bars from the shelves and throwing them into his mom’s shopping cart. I am always interested in how these situations play out. I could see that his mom was reaching peak frustration level as she juggled putting her items on the checkout and caring for a crying infant. I watched to see how mom would handle this difficult situation. Then I heard that familiar parenting method used since the beginning of time. “I’m going to count to 3!” The little boy looked at his mom and continued to place candy bars in the shopping cart. Mom began the dreaded count, “1!…2!….”The little boy slowed his activity but continued to pick up the candy bars, all the while watching to see if mom would actually count all the way to the dreaded number 3! I watched to see what mom would do next. “2 and a half”…..the little boy continued to push the limits, slowly adding to his candy bar collection in the cart. “2 and three quarters!” Mom raised her voice with each number. I could tell she was running out of fractions and the showdown would soon reach a climax. Finally she yelled it, “3!” At that moment the little boy bolted toward the door, screaming with delight in the knowledge that he won the battle. His mom chased after him yelling and threatening to ground him if he didn’t stop running. I stood there and looked after the infant in the cart while mom chased her son around the store. She finally caught up with him and snatched him up. Mom came back and finished paying for her items and stormed out of the store with her son still in her arms, kicking and screaming.

Warnings don’t change behavior; consequences change behavior.

Counting to 3 is a way to warn a child that if he doesn’t change his behavior, there will be consequences. This method only works if every time a parent gets to “2” they immediately go to “3” and then follow through with a consequence. Warning, yelling, screaming, pleading, begging….none of these work to change behavior, only consequences change behavior.

We train our children how to act.

The mom in the store trained her son to act the way he did. The little boy knew that mom wouldn’t take any action until she gets to “3”. The little boy has been trained by mom to continue in his poor behavior until the count of “2 and three quarters”. I’m sure that if mom gave him to the count of ”50” before anything happened, the little boy would continue in his poor behavior until mom counted to “50”.

If a child knows he is doing something wrong, no warning is necessary. It is consequence time. There are many consequences a parent can take: a time out, a privilege taken away, the loss of a prized possession. In this mom’s situation she should give her son a verbal warning, “Tommy please put the candy bars back and leave them on the shelf.” If Tommy continues his negative behavior it’s consequence time. Mom could have picked him up and put him in the cart, taken him out to the car for a time out, or just left the store and went home. No lengthy conversation with the child is necessary. Remember, consequences change behavior, not talking. If mom acted this way on a consistent basis it wouldn’t take little Tommy long to change his behavior. This is the most effective way for your child to learn that you tell the truth and you mean what you say.